Teenager Angst

Anger, furious, bitter and mad

How come I don’t even feel sad?

Happiness - I’ve been searching wide.

But anger, yes ANGER, simply won’t subside.

So much can tug strings, tears can easily fall.

But this time, I feel none at all.

It is numbness, darkness, deeply stone cold.

Heart, please listen.  Are we just getting old?

Forgiveness I must give, Forgiveness I must ask

But right now anger can’t be masked.

Valentines Day

Disclaimer:  I did not write this letter with the intention of making my husband feel like I want more than what he is giving me.  I admit, a few years back, I can't help but be envious of all the other people making grand surprises or even simply giving flowers on Valentines Day.  I remember how I used to expect a rose, or expect to be surprised only to end up sad and brokenhearted because I didn't receive any.  I also remember the moments when Lloyed put in a lot of effort knowing that I'll be really sad if he doesn't.  See, he is not the "flowers" or surprises kind of guy (ever since ha ha ha) But he is the man who loves me every single day and he does his best to make me feel extra special all the days of my life.

But let's admit it, us girls want more to a point where we sometimes fail to appreciate what we actually have.  I have been like that too (a lot of times in the past lol) but I have learned that happiness is when we truly love with all our hearts and see how very much loved we are.

And yes this year, he brought me flowers, which Ysa played with and turned into confetti.  And yes, I am over the flower craze unlike many years ago.  Hahaha.  But before I sign off today, which is pretty late at 2 AM, I want to share this.

Dear Honey,

I used to remember how every Valentine came and went without me expecting for a big surprise.  And in my head I could only count those times when you would give me flowers just because you wouldn’t want to make me feel so bad Hahaha.  I remember all those hours I spent searching for the world’s most romantic proposals on youtube and going sappy over them.  All the time, I would cry over other people’s love stories secretly hoping I’d get that surprise proposal one day like every woman dreams of.  For the last few days I have seen surprises left and right of how love is being romantically professed yet what came as a surprise was how I felt about them.

You and I both know that I have spent almost all our relationship expecting so much romance from you hoping that you’d be that guy who’ll surprise me with big romantic gestures of love.  But this year, like the last, I have realized that the kind of love that you have for me is one that is calm and quiet. A love that is dependable and endearing – that my expectations (and past frustrations) give you so much injustice.  Sorry hon.

So this Valentines Day I’d like to make it extra special by letting you know that I love you for everything that you are.  I love that you make my everydays feel like Valentines.  I love that you wake me up every morning and tell me how beautiful you think I am (even with the evident weight gain).  I love that you have learned to accept that I don’t lose anything but only misplace them (almost always).  I love that you do your best for me and the kids every single second of your life.  But most of all, I love feeling safe and complete just by being with you.

Thank you for being my little piece of heaven every single day.  This is our 13^th Valentines together, can you believe it?  I love you forever and ever.

Happy Valentines Day to the man who swept me off my feet in the most unconventional ways!

Love,

Jill

Happy Valentines to my gorgeous husband!

15 of 2015

2015 has finally ended and I can't help but look back at how 2015 was for me and my family.  So here are my 15 highlights/lessons/realizations from the past year:

1.   Marriage and Faith. This was the first year in the history of my marriage where everything just seemed to be perfectly in place.  Ironic though because the challenges were actually bigger and much more complicated than ever before but we ate every cookie like the monster did - with angas!  Haha

Kidding aside, I guess when you both decide to always choose love and kindness, use prayer as the first armoury of defense and trust the Almighty with your entire lives, what could possibly go wrong?  If God is with us, who can be against us?

2.  Career. 2015 was actually the most difficult year to date (work-wise) yet I ended it with an overwhelmingly positive high that is big enough to jumpstart 2016.  Less drama, more lessons.  Things were meant to be the way they were so we can be how we are supposed to become!  Go go go 2016!

3.  Breaking Boundaries.  As they say, life is about pushing your limits and 2015 proved to me that anything can be done.  Walls must be broken down, comfort zones must be widened and boundaries must be pushed further.  Last year, I met and talked to people I never thought I'd ever have the guts to.  The outcome actually surprised me!  It's liberating, you should try it out.  

4. Healing.  Forgiveness comes easy for someone like me who wears her heart on her sleeve.  But just like every human being, we all have different ways of dealing with pain.  When things, people or situations are hurtful, every person reacts to them differently.  The key is knowing who are you and sticking to your core values.  

I stopped being too hard on myself and accepted that things just happen - that it's okay to be angry and bitter or to feel hurt and grieve - because that means that I am still alive.  But to stay that way is unhealthy and we have to learn to accept that pain is necessary for growth.  With God's grace, I am healed.

5. Trust.  Unless we give this to people, we cannot be truly happy.  Life is too short to keep on doubting, to keep on guessing.  Of course, we have to choose wisely because the world can be cruel at times.  But we cannot be who we truly are unless we learn that we cannot do things alone.  Teach, trust, empower.  Everybody for Everyone's Success.

6. Achievement.  Golly, this year may have been really challenging but I feel blessed with so many things.  I got my very first GAMA Silver Award for Managers.  GAMA is an international organization for Agency Leaders or Managers.  I got a medal, plaque and certificate! Woohoo! oh, and my face on the newspaper too.

Since the official results aren't out yet and I am waiting for a small technicality, I'm still hanging by a thread with the Achievers Club for Unit Managers - Silver level (company award).  For two consecutive years, the team has achieved Gold level but if God grants this to us (silver) this year, it would mean more than gold to me.  Hahaha   

Lastly, our housing loan was approved and I'm excited for the kitchen we're meticulously designing and planning for.  Thanks to Architect Raymund Inajada who is very gracious in accommodating my evening chats.  

7. Learning and Education.

I simply can't stop learning.  Last year, I went to the Asia Pacific Life Insurance Congress.  Paid for the conference fee, airfare and accommodation.  But the hefty cost pale in comparison to the  lessons I brought home with me.

I will finish my MBA before I turn 35 and I will be a platform speaker one day.

8. Health and Lifestyle.

Oooh. Tough one.  The key is still balance and although I have slowly gained a few pounds here and there,  I'd have to say that my photos during the first half of the year were simply a big achievement!

But yeah, a long long way to go.

9. Bosses and Agents.

Last year, I have learned to embrace that the key to growth is not control but EMPOWERMENT.  When we empower and trust others, we allow them to grow and be the best that they can be.  In the process of learning and growing, we should also not forget to always be grateful to the people who have been instrumental in our journey to success - our mentors and bosses.

10. Clients.

Everything that I do in my business should be for my client's best interests.  2015 was a realization that much more should be exerted to give the best quality of service to my clients.  They deserve that for the trust they have placed in me.  So I realized that on top of everything else, the constant learning for ways to give better service must be one of the strongest desires.  (So I am hoping to make it much better this 2016).

11. Delegation.

No man is an island.  'nuff said.

12. Siblings.  

We grow up so fast just like the kids do.  But the time I spent with my sister during the holidays were a great 2 weeks.  Short but sweet and definitely memorable.  I love her to pieces.  Being with her reminded me na nindot pud sometimes to go back in time.  I miss my brother too.  But yeah, this is life.

13. Parents.

My dad was brought to the hospital on New Year's Eve.  They all arrived 15 minutes past midnight but I was happy it wasn't anything serious.  But really, the thought of it makes me scared and I want to freeze time and spend as much as I can with them.  With the busy schedule and enormous responsibilities, it can be a challenge too.  But I owe everything to them and I couldn't imagine not having them in my life.

14. Family.

Time is gold and 2015 helped me realize that time is not measured by the hours but by every moment spent with my family.  I decided to do my best to stay in the now every single time.  It can be playing with the kids, tutoring them or simply hanging around.  I aim at making all these moments count so that they will always remain in their core memories.

15. Publication.

Last but not the least, I got the surprise of my life before the year actually ended. I am in a publication!!! My story was featured and published on the GAMA Handbook for Managers, the first of it's kind in the Philippines.  I thought I didn't make the cut but I did! I did!  Thank you Lord!

I wrote about the Millenials: Moving them from the comfortable to the unimaginable.  <3 love. love. love.

I can't find better ways to make a long post as engaging as possible.  But for those who are able to brave right through this and finish til the end, THANK YOU.

Happy new Year Everyone! 2016 Here we come!

The Anniversary Blog Post

Anniversaries are so exciting (especially for women).  It creates memories of how it was and longings of how great it will continue to be.  Overall, it builds up amazing memories that reaffirm our undying love for our spouses.

I met Lloyed in 2003.  He was the most gorgeous teacher you'll ever meet in your lifetime.  I will never tire of telling this story for the generations to come.  We were both young and ideal.  Our love story is one that you get to read on a romantic novel where the protagonists go against all odds to fight for their love.

Our battle though was a bit different.  It was having PhP 20,000 for the baby who ended up being delivered via C-section.  It was believing that we can give our family a great life even when we had practically not a single penny to our name.

It was walking along downtown Toronto feeling miserable and alone (wondering if leaving a 3-month old baby was the right decision).  It was giving up the Canadian dream when everybody said it was a wrong move.  It was braving the difficulties of a three-year long-distance relationship for the promise of a better life.  For me, it was pretending to be strong and mature even when I was scared stiff to raise a little boy on my own at 21 (when Lloyed had to work in Japan).

For Lloyed, it was having a non-existent social life.   It meant turning down one invitation after the other believing that time and money was always well-spent with us instead of others.  It was not having to experience becoming a bachelor because he decided to be a responsible family man since day one.  Nobody told him so, or even asked him to. We were everything he needed and we were more than enough to make him happy.

Now more than a decade forward, we have grown so much more than we ever thought we would.  We had different dreams then but God led us to where we are now.  To be honest, never in our wildest imaginations did it ever occur  to us that we'd both be working in two entirely different professions.  But through these years, it was only through Him and Him alone that we got through every challenge and hurdle.

So today, I want to glorify the Lord first.  Thank you God for being our light, our friend and our confidante.  We pray that you may continue to bless the work of our hands.  We thank you for EVERYTHING.  Lord Jesus, we hope that whatever we do in our lives will be for the glory of Your name.

I also want to say thank you to the two sets of parents who have always been there for us.  We wouldn't have made it this far without your love and support.

Lastly, to you honey my labs.  It is two days late but I want to greet you a Happy Anniversary!!!!!  Everyday, I thank God for you.  I love you very much and I will always be grateful that I wake up beside you every morning (technically, since Ysa's in between us lol).   We are all very proud of you and your craft and I know that in God's perfect time, He will grant your heart's deepest desires.

Thank you for sticking it out with me inspite of my shortcomings.  I know sometimes it can be challenging for both of us especially when it comes to scheduling.  But I hope you will always remember that YOU are my number one, my only one ALWAYS.  I am sorry because sometimes I fail to show it but I hope you believe me when I say that I'd drop anything and everything for you.  I always have and I always will.  Honey, I love you.  Happy Anniversary.

Respect begets Respect

I look at my news feed and see a video of a Baranggay Kagawad slapping a security guard .  Instantly my initial thoughts were "Was it really necessary for this person to do what he did?" and then  somehow I form a slow judgment in my mind.  But then I thought about my own experiences and decided to read through the article.

Here's what I realized.  As my mom would always put it, there are always three sides to every story.  Mine, the other person's and the truth.  Sometimes, people are fixated in digging up the truth that they lose out on the fact that along the way somebody else (other than themselves) is probably hurting as much or maybe probably more. Who knows?  In such cases, what good does it make if we dwell on a barrage of stories that ping-pong back and forth?  What good does it really make to point out who was right when only God knows the real story.

The fact is that we supposedly live in a non-confrontational society.  And when people point out each other's differences, the initial reaction is usually not very nice.  When faced with ridicule, some put up a fight and carry their weight around while others stay on the sidelights and keep their mouth shut.  Some people say they're okay with criticism but they go to sleep with bitterness in their hearts.  Some people, on the other hand, take criticism to heart, get what they can from it and change for the better.  

Before the Brgy. Kagawad slapped the security guard, there were probably a series of events that provoked him to.  In the same way that the security guard believed that he did nothing wrong (which probably he might have who knows).  Obviously a case of miscommunication that went out of control.  In this case, would it help if we dissect everything by asking who said what or who did what first?  I honestly think not.  What difference would it make to point fingers and trace every little detail, really?  Nothing.

The golden rule says "Do unto others what you want others to do unto you."  But don't we all fail in this regard every other time?  It's the sad truth.  At the end of the day, I believe that everybody deserves respect.  You don't have to like someone, you just have to respect them.  It is supposed to be given to every single soul in this planet.   

In this regard, the planet is divided as well.  Some say respect is earned, some say it is deserved.  I say let's all agree to disagree. Just like in marriage or every other relationship for that matter, when respect is lost things are bound to fail.  So for me it is something that should be given to everybody - a right every person deserves.  Then again, that's just me. <3

Ma Belle Soeur

The hullabaloo of Paul and Toni’s wedding of the century has died down.  I was not a fan but their interview after the engagement changed it all.  You probably think this post is about it.  Well, it’s not.

One of the things about their wedding that made me weep my eyeballs out was the part where Alex (the sister) tells the groom about her sister’s quirks.  I suddenly remember my own sister and the day I left Canada to build my own life in the Philippines.  She was the only one who knew I wasn’t coming back.  It’s been nine years.  That’s almost half her life (see, I love her so much I still pretend she’s 18 haha). I just had to put that there to avoid some emotional fit here in the office! 

Le Anne is younger than me by four years but five years in school because I was born a genius.  I rub it on her every single time.  I was in college while she was still in high school so I was her FASHION ICON!  Even with a closetful of clothes, she’d ransack mine in the middle of the night.  I later on learned to put my spidey sense in full swing because while I pretend to sleep it starts with a small creek from my bedroom door and then I catch her redhanded in the middle of her little tiptoes! Her reaction was priceless, it was awesome.  

During her formative years my mom was away somewhere in the Middle East.  She was a bit slow compared to me (did I say I was a genius?)  It was difficult for her to read and her grammar was sick. And in a family where your mom writes and speaks so awesomely well, it was a disgrace.  We constantly fought about clothes and food she didn’t finish.  I would tell her about the many underprivileged people who’d love a piece of what she has.  I end up eating her leftovers and of course I became fat.  (Who knew there was wisdom in that? haha)

When we came to Toronto, she joined the music class after my prodding.  Only to find out it wasn’t glee club but a school band!  So one day she came home with a real flute and with all despair told me she’s planning to back out the next day.  We both didn’t know how to play the instrument!  So I thought maybe those days with the Bamboo flute in Cebu would come in handy.  And it did, we tried learning “Wooden Heart” and she ended up one of the great flute players in the band.

One time in Canada, I wanted to commit suicide and drank pills in front of her.  She didn’t even react or stop me so I felt kind of bad that she didn’t care.  Later on she told everybody I was drinking Tylenol (for night) so it would make my cough and colds go away.  No biggie.  Hahahaha  (and NO I also wasn’t REALLY killing myself)

I could go on and on with every other story about us.  But even then I knew in my heart that she was awesome.  I believed that she can be greater than what she saw in herself.  I have always known there was strength amidst her being fragile.  

She graduated high school as an honor student, a cheerleader (I hate that she lived that dream and I didn’t lol), a school band member and a member of the Key Club, an organization I know nothing about.  From several fashion faux pas to now being a certified fashionista.  From her grammatical blunders to an Honours Bachelors Degree in English and History minor in Religion from no less than the University of Toronto.  

To my sister, 

When I went back to the Philippines, it wasn’t about whether I could make up a life here - that wasn’t my greatest fear.  My biggest fear was how you were going to make it out on your own.  But you’ve grown with so much gracefulness as a woman with a good head on top of her shoulders and a heart filled with so much tenderness and love.  All this, without me and you have made me so proud!  

So even though I may be a few days late, I want to greet you a HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  In a stage in my life where I can only pick a handful true friends, nobody can ever measure up to what we have.  I will always love you and I believe in you.

Love Always,

Ate.  

Midyear Muni-muni

The official time is 8:16 and I am here in the parking lot beside my office building.  All of a sudden I felt the need to blog.  I rarely have this window of clarity.  My head’s usually filled up with so many things, so many people to think about.  

Hmmm… Is it really July in two days?  Half of the year.  Wow.  And it went by so fast I didn’t even notice.  Except for the few bulges on my waistline and the glaring sales performance at work, I’d have to say the first half was all good.  

In summary, this is how January to June came and will go (in a day):

1. God’s faith is enduring.  We closed 2014 on a high and gave ourselves a good pat on the back.  But with a small technicality, I thought I wasn’t getting an award.  The Lord is amazing, I got it just in the nick of time.  
2. My mom and dad came home and for a time, I was allowed to feel like a baby again.  LOL.  We should always be grateful for our parents.  Mine are awesome.
3. We moved to a new house last April in a record breaking manner (see previous post).  After two months, I finally feel at home.
4. Burglars went into the house three weeks into the transfer while we were inside our rooms with the kids.  They got all our laptops.  I felt violated and scared, but the overall feeling was numbness.  The nothingness lasted for a few weeks/months and had a domino effect on other aspects of my life especially that I didn’t keep a backup of my files.  All my work presentations and stats gone.  But now I’m all good.  The Lord is telling me life is a clean slate, we can always start from scratch.
5. My faith in the Lord has been strengthened by all the challenges.  Yet, His messages to me are clear and now I know where I’m heading.  His promises lift me up every single time in spite of all the downs.  I love you Lord God!  I am proud to shout it out to the world.
6. It’s the 7th month without a yaya or house help.  Yet I feel that this has strengthened my marriage.  Lloyed and I have learned to be patient, kind and loving.  We have learned to enjoy each moment and focus on the good.  ALL THE TIME.  Our outlook in life has been condensed to its simplest form.  We are just grateful for every single day and that’s all that matters.
7. The kids have grown so much.  I believe we have become better parents learning from each of them.  

We have a boy in his pre-teens who’ll be as tall as me in the next two years.  He is learning to be his own person and we are doing our best to give him as much guidance as we can.  


Our preschooler is the sweetest kid and he has learned to express himself more eloquently these past months.  We take conscious effort to make sure we give our middle child as much attention.   He appreciates it a lot.  

Lastly, our toddler in her terrible twos can enunciate a number of words.  There have been so much development in her speech and motor skills for the past six months. She’s a cutie pie we just can’t get over how cute her dimples are!

All in all, I can’t help but look forward to more amazing things for the next half of the year.  With 3 mid-year planning events for me to prepare for and execute, there can only be 4 words:  LET’S GET IT ON!