In my very recent trip I realized three things:
1.) Even though
the best travels are those spent with Lloyed and the kids, I have
learned to love traveling on my own. The circumstances in my life pushed
me to do so much more than I ever thought I could - marriage, kids,
career, business, and these all started when I was 18. For the last 11
years my biggest challenge was making sure I don't lose myself in the
process.
It's easier than most people think. I am as human as
everyone else so at times sticking to who I really am is hard to do when
I have to be a number of things all at once. Traveling alone helped me
look at my life in a totally different perspective.
This trip was
extremely special because I lived out a long time dream. Finally, I
got to visit Paris. And the most amazing thing about it was I didn't
have to pay anything for the trip! (Except for the few things I got to
buy for pasalubong and a number of items for myself hehe). Breathing the
Parisian air, embracing Parisian art and bringing the paper bags of the
shops I've always wanted (but never thought I'd get the chance to)
were extremely exhilarating. (I just had to throw in that part about the
shopping). I am not the type of person that resorts to retail therapy
but after this trip I realized why most women do!
I also got the
chance to write a blog which I think I really have to do often. I can
barely keep up with the emails I need to read, reply and make in one day
let alone write a blog. But I realized that writing down my thoughts
help a lot. When I am alone, time can stand still and I have it all to
myself. When life passes by like a blur, time becomes a coveted
luxury.
2.) I extremely miss my kids. Even when I appreciate all
this "me" time, I can't help it. It is in the lone times that I
realize how fast my children have grown.
Jimjim is now 9 years old. He
started playing basketball this week and a few years from now there
will be a number of groupies cheering him on his games. That fact
scares me. Before I left for Paris he told me there were many
professional pickpockets there so I had to be careful. Very clever and
cute.
Part of me wishes that I can study with him every night.
Part of me wishes that I can cook more for him now that his appetite has
plummeted to an all time high. In fact, I have a lot more on that
list.
Coby is now 4 years old. He's adorable! He tries to
express himself in the best way he could. It could be tough when you
have a brother 5 years older than you and a sister who gets everybody's
attention. So even though it's a challenge I try to dissect the
gibberish and figure out what he's trying to say. He has a mind of his
own and wants things done at his own pace exactly the way his mom is.
So I give him his well-deserved spotlight and time. Being a middle
child myself gives me better understanding. He is such a sweet boy who
has always been very generous with his hugs and kisses.
Yet
sometimes I blame myself why Coby isn't as eloquent as his brother was.
I remember how well Jimjim would read at 3 years old. I personally
taught him how to blend letters. By 4, he read like it was a walk in
the park. Coby on the other hand is taking his sweet time.
My
daughter Ysabela is a few days shy from turning 18 months. People say
she's like my mini-me but when I look at her I don't see my face at
all. She was the child we never thought we'd have. She was the baby
girl we have been waiting for, the baby girl we've always wanted. Her
cute little dimples pop up when she smiles and she beams with joy
whenever she sees me. Her brothers taught her how to fight for her
place. It's very cute but sometimes very challenging when the three of
them fight for one toy or for my attention.
Ysa was the baby I
rarely got to hold. Although I didn't get to see Jimjim from 3 months
to almost a year after he was born (I left for Canada). Ysa lives in
the same house but stayed in a different room with her brothers when she
was a baby. This year we transferred her to our room so we can all
snuggle up with her dad and brothers.
Sometimes I wish to have
played with her as often as I did with her brothers. I always thought
she wouldn't like me so much because I didn't get to carry her often but
the little bundle of joy looks up to me with so much love and it makes
me wonder that I must have done something right along the way.
This
trip made me realize that I should stop blaming myself for the things
that I didn't get to do for them. My kids love me for who I am in the
same way I love them for everything they are.
3.) My most
important realization: I am very blessed and lucky to have a husband
like Lloyed. Almost 11 years of craziness, that's how I could describe
our life together. We dream with our hearts open. Even with our
pockets empty, we made decisions that broke the norm. We did things for
each other and for our kids that other people (even our own families)
can question. We were always fearless because we've been through so
much worse and we have faith that God will put us through.
The
hardest thing about being an adult is being accountable to everything
you do. Probably the truest test of maturity is living on your own.
Every married couple who has lived with their parents or spouse's
parents and transferred to their own homes know how different the
responsibility feels.
So having a husband like Lloyed who
equally shares these responsibilities with me is something I am very
thankful for. Sometimes he doesn't get the credit and appreciation he
deserves. But he shares his life with me. What we have is a marriage
in it's whole essence. To him there is no "my job" or "your job",
everything is ours together. He doesn't mind doing the groceries,
doesn't mind sending the kids to school every single day, doesn't mind
taking care of the kids on his own when I am out on my trips, doesn't
mind standing in for me at times when I can't be there for the kids.
Some
people say that I have achieved so much but I couldn't have done it
without my husband. He decided to put himself in the sidelights for my
sake and that takes a lot of courage for a man. He decided to support
me in everything my heart desires and my mind aspires for. He put his
career on hold so that he didn't have to leave me and the kids for
better opportunities abroad (even though they were offered so often).
It meant he had to bear the misery of a non-motivating, non-progressing
job for five long years so that we can be together. And he did everything he can so I can
be happy. It meant understanding the late nights, the erratic schedule,
the limitless waiting. It meant being my shock absorber and patiently
understanding the craziness of my emotional breakdowns. It meant setting
aside what he wanted so I can achieve my dreams.
As I said, what
Lloyed does for me and the kids take a lot of courage. A lot of love.
Our relationship has been one that threw away the word "should". To
him, it's simple. We do things because we want to not because we
should. All the time, he reminds me to be happy with who I am because
he loves me no matter what (fats and all).
So on this blog I just
want to shout to the world how blessed I am to have a husband like you
mylabs! I love you with all my heart and I know one day God will also
grant your heart's deepest desires. You have finally found your passion and I promise to be there for you and
with you every single way.
Life is a big web of choices.
Everyday we get to decide what to do first, who to prioritize first. In
2011, when I accepted the management position there was no turning
back. There were so many things I had to go through to reach to where I
am now. There were so many things I needed to give up, so many things I
needed to change about myself so I can lead other people. I've had my
own share of failures, my own share of mistakes and probably I'll make a
lot more in the future. But I learned that no matter how hard it is we
have to move on and learn from every single mistake without any
bitterness.
This trip made me realize that it should never be a
choice between my job and my family. Because at the end of the day,
whether I acknowledge it or not I am a better wife and mother because of
my job and I am a better manager because I am a wife and mother.
The
lives we live are so unique we can never compare apples to oranges.
The sad fact is a lot of people compare themselves to others. It seems
that the feeling of being better than others can give a high that feeds
off like a drug to the ego. This trip and the people with me made me
remember that at the end of the day, we just have to know who we are so
we can be consistent with who we want to be.
As per the wise
words of a certain guy who's eyes shine like headlights on a dark night,
he said: "Jill, you just have to reinvent yourself. Reinventing means
you have to make a better version of yourself but you don't lose who you
really are. When you are an Iced Tea you can turn into a
kiwi-flavored blended Iced Tea but you can never be a Coke. Don't try to be one. Stick to
your strengths and learn to accept and change your weaknesses. Don't change who you are, just be a better you."
That advice, I will wholeheartedly take.
