More from the Kaban.

Seeing things from the past could be both good and bad.  Haha.  When you get to see my pictures below, you’d understand my sentiments.  But before that, let me tell you a story about how it was like growing up…  

I’ve always been a chunky little girl.  Not so chubby at first but having been exposed to levels of bullying at a young age, I have also become an emotional eater.  I’ve always been bigger than the usual girls my age.  In fact, I was already as tall as 5’4 in 5^th grade and people would call me baboy, higante and my favorite, elepante behind my back.  But since I was one of the smartest in class, people rarely tell those harsh things to me straight to my face.  Haha!  Now I can actually laugh about it, but back then it really hurt.

It hurt when all the small girls were getting so much attention and all the boys were also pretty small, too.  I remember my dad (who was based in HK for a long time) used to write me letters and tell me that I should find a way to be thinner.  Every single letter he sent me always said “Eat the right food, Eat healthy, Pa reduce jud ka dai”.

So I actually grew up with the littlest self-appreciation and the lowest of all self-esteem.   My concept of beauty has always been equated to Magazine-looking girls (who knew all of them were Photoshopped?!? Haha)  I just told myself that for as long as I was smart, nobody can push me around.  But in highschool, I was wrong.

You’d wonder how someone as big as myself (that time probably standing at 5’7-5’8) could be pushed around.  Yet I’ve lived the last few years of highschool miserable and pathetic.  Maybe because I had so little self-belief that I allowed other people to make me feel whatever they wanted me to feel.  I let other people step on me and I never fought back.   I never fought back because I never had even the smallest amount of courage to.

 

But over the years, I have allowed myself to embrace who I was.  I have learned to laugh at my mistakes, to accept that it is not what society dictates but it’s about what and who I am that matters.  What we think of ourselves matter most and not what others think of us. I guessed it helped that I studied in UP, too.  But eventually, I learned to appreciate and love myself even more – faults, imperfections and all.

And eventually, I started looking like this.  Haha.  Somehow, for no reason at all, I became thinner.  And you believe me?  Joke.  Haha, of course not!  Of course I didn’t lose weight for no reason at all.  I worked really hard for it, but that time I was extremely motivated and happy.   But it also meant that I had to lock myself in my room when my Mom cooked humba for dinner.  It also meant looking away when I saw a mouth-watering dessert.  But when I am focused and motivated, I always achieve results.

But I met Lloyed and he said “dili lagi ka mutambok”.  Haha.  And he was wrong.  Hahahahahahahahahaha.   He fed and fed me until I became fat.  And when I became fat, he’d stop feeding me but instead I’d feed and feed myself even if he tells me to stop eating!  The tables have actually turned and I’ve told him often times that my greatest wish is for him to get fat, too.  Haha!

So, the big question:  Can I still do this again?  If I am focused and motivated, I might.  But will I be focused and motivated?  Let’s see.  Haha.  Don’t be confused or side swept by my story though.  Because the point that I’m just trying to drive at is that we need to have more SELF LOVE. :)  

 I mean, I may weigh more than twice now than I used to in these pictures, but I am extremely happy.  From a size M, I can rarely find a dress that fits at XXL but I feel like I’m still as pretty as I was back then.  Haha.  Am I sounding too delusional??  

But that’s me.  And I think that you have to have that much love for yourself, too.  Am I saying I don’t want to be this thin again?  ARE  YOU CRAZY?  If it was given to me as a gift voucher, who I am to refuse. Haha. 

Basically, what I’m trying to say is Happiness is a State of Mind.  So it's always your choice whether to be happy or not.   

So for all you ladies out there – from my chunky, butterball sisters to the lucky “I can eat an iron pot of Paella and never get fat” ones, let’s embrace ourselves for who we are, because we are God’s best-made creations.  Weeeeeee walay mu angal kay ako ning blog!!!!!  Haha.

 

Lastly, WORD OF CAUTION:  “Teh, ayaw jud sige huna huna nga tambok kaayo ka ron.  E-enjoy jud na maski unsa pa na imong lawas, kay tan-awa ko.  Kinsa bay maghandum nga ingun ani d I ko sa una (top) nya ma ingun ani nako ron (bottom)!”  Hahahaha.

Share the self-love everyone! Mwah!

When It's not your day, It's not your day.

I think the worst part about being pregnant is keeping my emotions at bay.  I’ve always been the type who’d suddenly cry at the movies, at reading blog posts, at seeing marriage proposals, at anything.  Imagine I was like this before I became pregnant, so how much more now? 

Anyway, I was planning to blog about something else today but my OK day turned out to be one of the worst in my life.  Well thanks to Globe that is.  Haha (I’m laughing in my mind but I wish I can laugh about it in real life, too)  So there I was trying to have my iPad 3G reconnected (I already paid the amount due) when I was surprised when the guy told me how much my incoming bill would be.  And it was a WHOPPING amount and by WHOPPING I mean WHOPPING!

All of a sudden I felt a rush of blood shoot through my blood vessels and I felt like I could die any minute.  It’s not a hyperbole really, it’s exactly how I felt.  I tried to argue with the guy but he told me to talk to customer service.  As if destiny was playing a practical joke on me, this guy who told me was my hatest guy in Globe.  I have hated him since the beginning of time (haha).  I've hated his guts from the very first time he gave me customer disservice.  So I got my number and went on the queue.  But every minute, I felt like I was collapsing and much worse, I felt like nobody was there to tell me it was OK.

Honestly, it is NOT OK.  But I felt like somebody had to at least lie to me and tell me it was because each second I felt sicker and sicker.  After a few minutes passed, I realized there was no use arguing about roaming and I decided to go home.  Please don’t ask me how much whopping is, or ask me a more detailed story because this is the most detailed I can get or else I’ll ball over in tears.  Again.

When I went home, I wasn’t really sure if I can put up a face to my kids so I told myself I’ll just pretend I’m sleepy and wallow in self-despair.  Then, my eldest son JimJim broke a house rule (that I’ve been telling and reminding him about for almost 5-6 times) and suddenly I just couldn’t take it anymore and vented out on him.  I was so awfully angered that it was so hard to control myself.  I thank God for the self-restraint but to be honest I was scared of losing it because it was terribly hard.

So I gave him a final warning, told him to sleep and went to the washroom slash mini walk-in closet to change clothes (since this happened just as soon as I arrived home).  While I was changing, I just sat on the toilet seat.  And for a moment there I didn’t do anything. When all of a sudden I broke down and cried.  I cried and cried and cried. Why?  I didn’t understand either.  

I felt like a complete mess of a person, of a wife but most of all of a mother.  I felt guilty because my son had nothing to do with what I felt.  However, I realized he did a grave offense and although I didn’t really do anything to him it just felt weird knowing that I was already mad before I became madder (let's use this non-existent word for impact LOL).  Do you get what I mean?  If only I wasn’t already so frustrated, I know I would still have reprimanded him but maybe in a little less angrier way.

Hay. But now that I’ve written about it, I actually feel a lot better.  Maybe that’s the reason why people blog noh? Hehe.  I dunno, I hope it doesn’t sound so pathetic.  Haha.  But maybe it’s when we organize our thoughts and get to read what we feel that we develop a better understanding of ourselves.  

I wish I could say something funny or enlightening to end this post.  But let me part by saying this (not just to you but most especially to myself):

We are just human beings and we commit mistakes, that part we have to accept.  But if there’s something that must be learned, it’s that if you’re in the heat of your anger it’s always better to walk away than end up regretting some things you can never take back.

AND…

Photo Credit: http://damnyouglobetelecom.tumblr.com/post/4649268812/why-i-hate-globe

I hate Globe.  I really hate you today Globe. 

18 Again...

My pinaghirapan 100+ page softbounded scrapbook!

Last night, Lloyed and I decided to start documenting our lives.  This was after we found my very first anniversary gift to him years and years ago.  During our first year as a couple, I made a scrapbook about our love story starting from the first day we met and how everything unfolded.  I thought of doing this that time so I will never be able to forget how it felt like.  Then we forgot all about it through the years.  I mean, how can we not when being a parent is a tall order especially when you have not just one, but two kids (and now I’m on my 13^th week for the third one).

So while we were trying to declutter the household, we found the book.  And it certainly reminded me of how it felt like.  It reminded me of how I was head over heels in love with him and how he made me feel extremely special.   Just like a message from above, it hit us hard and reminded us (especially me) to value the things or in this case person that value most – my spouse.

Rummaging thru the past also makes you see how thin you were!

When we become parents, we embrace our being one.   See, both Lloyed and I try to be as hands on in each of our children’s lives.  We make a lot of time for the kids although it’s actually really hard when you try to make a living, too.   

It’s hard to make time when you spend so much time trying to make money to afford the lifestyle you want to give them.  But despite all the odds, we try our best to talk and play with the kids so we get to know them as individuals, learn to accept their differences and love them just the way they are.

It’s tough because we’re far from being perfect.  You only understand when you become a parent.  You get to build a greater appreciation for your Mom and Dad once you become one yourself.  It’s because you realize OMG it’s just tough and most of the time crazy.  So somewhere along the way, you indulge yourself with all these new responsibilities that you also forget that before you became a parent you were also someone else.  

You were an individual, a companion, a confidante, but most of all a lover and a friend.  You were someone your partner wanted to spend every minute with.  Remember those days when you didn’t notice how time went by so fast and the day's almost over because you’re together? You were someone who was fun, carefree, endearing. 

Can I still do something like this for this year??!?!

Don’t get me wrong when I say these things.  You might think I haven’t been happy these past years ‘coz I was and still am.  But I realized, I am happier now because I’ve learned to see my spouse again through the eyes of a girlfriend and not through the eyes of a wife.  (haha!)   

I mean he’s the most amazing husband to me and the greatest father to our kids.  He’s supportive, always willing to listen, always lends a hand when I’m in need, unconventionally helps out with the household, extends so much of himself for the love of his wife and kids. 

But now, I see him not just as that.  In my girlfriend eyes (haha!), I see that this guy whom I fell in love with almost 9 years ago, is still tremendously handsome as I saw him years back.  This guy who used to brave the scary tricycle rides to our house on top of a mountain just to bring me safely home, is still that same guy who would crack up the corniest but funniest jokes I’ve ever heard. 

   

And somehow, for some odd reason, I feel like I’m 18 again.  

Thank you for coming into my life.  
I love you honey.  Happy 105^th Monthsary!!