Teenager Angst

Anger, furious, bitter and mad

How come I don’t even feel sad?

Happiness - I’ve been searching wide.

But anger, yes ANGER, simply won’t subside.

So much can tug strings, tears can easily fall.

But this time, I feel none at all.

It is numbness, darkness, deeply stone cold.

Heart, please listen.  Are we just getting old?

Forgiveness I must give, Forgiveness I must ask

But right now anger can’t be masked.

Valentines Day

Disclaimer:  I did not write this letter with the intention of making my husband feel like I want more than what he is giving me.  I admit, a few years back, I can't help but be envious of all the other people making grand surprises or even simply giving flowers on Valentines Day.  I remember how I used to expect a rose, or expect to be surprised only to end up sad and brokenhearted because I didn't receive any.  I also remember the moments when Lloyed put in a lot of effort knowing that I'll be really sad if he doesn't.  See, he is not the "flowers" or surprises kind of guy (ever since ha ha ha) But he is the man who loves me every single day and he does his best to make me feel extra special all the days of my life.

But let's admit it, us girls want more to a point where we sometimes fail to appreciate what we actually have.  I have been like that too (a lot of times in the past lol) but I have learned that happiness is when we truly love with all our hearts and see how very much loved we are.

And yes this year, he brought me flowers, which Ysa played with and turned into confetti.  And yes, I am over the flower craze unlike many years ago.  Hahaha.  But before I sign off today, which is pretty late at 2 AM, I want to share this.

Dear Honey,

I used to remember how every Valentine came and went without me expecting for a big surprise.  And in my head I could only count those times when you would give me flowers just because you wouldn’t want to make me feel so bad Hahaha.  I remember all those hours I spent searching for the world’s most romantic proposals on youtube and going sappy over them.  All the time, I would cry over other people’s love stories secretly hoping I’d get that surprise proposal one day like every woman dreams of.  For the last few days I have seen surprises left and right of how love is being romantically professed yet what came as a surprise was how I felt about them.

You and I both know that I have spent almost all our relationship expecting so much romance from you hoping that you’d be that guy who’ll surprise me with big romantic gestures of love.  But this year, like the last, I have realized that the kind of love that you have for me is one that is calm and quiet. A love that is dependable and endearing – that my expectations (and past frustrations) give you so much injustice.  Sorry hon.

So this Valentines Day I’d like to make it extra special by letting you know that I love you for everything that you are.  I love that you make my everydays feel like Valentines.  I love that you wake me up every morning and tell me how beautiful you think I am (even with the evident weight gain).  I love that you have learned to accept that I don’t lose anything but only misplace them (almost always).  I love that you do your best for me and the kids every single second of your life.  But most of all, I love feeling safe and complete just by being with you.

Thank you for being my little piece of heaven every single day.  This is our 13^th Valentines together, can you believe it?  I love you forever and ever.

Happy Valentines Day to the man who swept me off my feet in the most unconventional ways!

Love,

Jill

Happy Valentines to my gorgeous husband!

15 of 2015

2015 has finally ended and I can't help but look back at how 2015 was for me and my family.  So here are my 15 highlights/lessons/realizations from the past year:

1.   Marriage and Faith. This was the first year in the history of my marriage where everything just seemed to be perfectly in place.  Ironic though because the challenges were actually bigger and much more complicated than ever before but we ate every cookie like the monster did - with angas!  Haha

Kidding aside, I guess when you both decide to always choose love and kindness, use prayer as the first armoury of defense and trust the Almighty with your entire lives, what could possibly go wrong?  If God is with us, who can be against us?

2.  Career. 2015 was actually the most difficult year to date (work-wise) yet I ended it with an overwhelmingly positive high that is big enough to jumpstart 2016.  Less drama, more lessons.  Things were meant to be the way they were so we can be how we are supposed to become!  Go go go 2016!

3.  Breaking Boundaries.  As they say, life is about pushing your limits and 2015 proved to me that anything can be done.  Walls must be broken down, comfort zones must be widened and boundaries must be pushed further.  Last year, I met and talked to people I never thought I'd ever have the guts to.  The outcome actually surprised me!  It's liberating, you should try it out.  

4. Healing.  Forgiveness comes easy for someone like me who wears her heart on her sleeve.  But just like every human being, we all have different ways of dealing with pain.  When things, people or situations are hurtful, every person reacts to them differently.  The key is knowing who are you and sticking to your core values.  

I stopped being too hard on myself and accepted that things just happen - that it's okay to be angry and bitter or to feel hurt and grieve - because that means that I am still alive.  But to stay that way is unhealthy and we have to learn to accept that pain is necessary for growth.  With God's grace, I am healed.

5. Trust.  Unless we give this to people, we cannot be truly happy.  Life is too short to keep on doubting, to keep on guessing.  Of course, we have to choose wisely because the world can be cruel at times.  But we cannot be who we truly are unless we learn that we cannot do things alone.  Teach, trust, empower.  Everybody for Everyone's Success.

6. Achievement.  Golly, this year may have been really challenging but I feel blessed with so many things.  I got my very first GAMA Silver Award for Managers.  GAMA is an international organization for Agency Leaders or Managers.  I got a medal, plaque and certificate! Woohoo! oh, and my face on the newspaper too.

Since the official results aren't out yet and I am waiting for a small technicality, I'm still hanging by a thread with the Achievers Club for Unit Managers - Silver level (company award).  For two consecutive years, the team has achieved Gold level but if God grants this to us (silver) this year, it would mean more than gold to me.  Hahaha   

Lastly, our housing loan was approved and I'm excited for the kitchen we're meticulously designing and planning for.  Thanks to Architect Raymund Inajada who is very gracious in accommodating my evening chats.  

7. Learning and Education.

I simply can't stop learning.  Last year, I went to the Asia Pacific Life Insurance Congress.  Paid for the conference fee, airfare and accommodation.  But the hefty cost pale in comparison to the  lessons I brought home with me.

I will finish my MBA before I turn 35 and I will be a platform speaker one day.

8. Health and Lifestyle.

Oooh. Tough one.  The key is still balance and although I have slowly gained a few pounds here and there,  I'd have to say that my photos during the first half of the year were simply a big achievement!

But yeah, a long long way to go.

9. Bosses and Agents.

Last year, I have learned to embrace that the key to growth is not control but EMPOWERMENT.  When we empower and trust others, we allow them to grow and be the best that they can be.  In the process of learning and growing, we should also not forget to always be grateful to the people who have been instrumental in our journey to success - our mentors and bosses.

10. Clients.

Everything that I do in my business should be for my client's best interests.  2015 was a realization that much more should be exerted to give the best quality of service to my clients.  They deserve that for the trust they have placed in me.  So I realized that on top of everything else, the constant learning for ways to give better service must be one of the strongest desires.  (So I am hoping to make it much better this 2016).

11. Delegation.

No man is an island.  'nuff said.

12. Siblings.  

We grow up so fast just like the kids do.  But the time I spent with my sister during the holidays were a great 2 weeks.  Short but sweet and definitely memorable.  I love her to pieces.  Being with her reminded me na nindot pud sometimes to go back in time.  I miss my brother too.  But yeah, this is life.

13. Parents.

My dad was brought to the hospital on New Year's Eve.  They all arrived 15 minutes past midnight but I was happy it wasn't anything serious.  But really, the thought of it makes me scared and I want to freeze time and spend as much as I can with them.  With the busy schedule and enormous responsibilities, it can be a challenge too.  But I owe everything to them and I couldn't imagine not having them in my life.

14. Family.

Time is gold and 2015 helped me realize that time is not measured by the hours but by every moment spent with my family.  I decided to do my best to stay in the now every single time.  It can be playing with the kids, tutoring them or simply hanging around.  I aim at making all these moments count so that they will always remain in their core memories.

15. Publication.

Last but not the least, I got the surprise of my life before the year actually ended. I am in a publication!!! My story was featured and published on the GAMA Handbook for Managers, the first of it's kind in the Philippines.  I thought I didn't make the cut but I did! I did!  Thank you Lord!

I wrote about the Millenials: Moving them from the comfortable to the unimaginable.  <3 love. love. love.

I can't find better ways to make a long post as engaging as possible.  But for those who are able to brave right through this and finish til the end, THANK YOU.

Happy new Year Everyone! 2016 Here we come!