More from the Kaban.

Seeing things from the past could be both good and bad.  Haha.  When you get to see my pictures below, you’d understand my sentiments.  But before that, let me tell you a story about how it was like growing up…  

I’ve always been a chunky little girl.  Not so chubby at first but having been exposed to levels of bullying at a young age, I have also become an emotional eater.  I’ve always been bigger than the usual girls my age.  In fact, I was already as tall as 5’4 in 5^th grade and people would call me baboy, higante and my favorite, elepante behind my back.  But since I was one of the smartest in class, people rarely tell those harsh things to me straight to my face.  Haha!  Now I can actually laugh about it, but back then it really hurt.

It hurt when all the small girls were getting so much attention and all the boys were also pretty small, too.  I remember my dad (who was based in HK for a long time) used to write me letters and tell me that I should find a way to be thinner.  Every single letter he sent me always said “Eat the right food, Eat healthy, Pa reduce jud ka dai”.

So I actually grew up with the littlest self-appreciation and the lowest of all self-esteem.   My concept of beauty has always been equated to Magazine-looking girls (who knew all of them were Photoshopped?!? Haha)  I just told myself that for as long as I was smart, nobody can push me around.  But in highschool, I was wrong.

You’d wonder how someone as big as myself (that time probably standing at 5’7-5’8) could be pushed around.  Yet I’ve lived the last few years of highschool miserable and pathetic.  Maybe because I had so little self-belief that I allowed other people to make me feel whatever they wanted me to feel.  I let other people step on me and I never fought back.   I never fought back because I never had even the smallest amount of courage to.

 

But over the years, I have allowed myself to embrace who I was.  I have learned to laugh at my mistakes, to accept that it is not what society dictates but it’s about what and who I am that matters.  What we think of ourselves matter most and not what others think of us. I guessed it helped that I studied in UP, too.  But eventually, I learned to appreciate and love myself even more – faults, imperfections and all.

And eventually, I started looking like this.  Haha.  Somehow, for no reason at all, I became thinner.  And you believe me?  Joke.  Haha, of course not!  Of course I didn’t lose weight for no reason at all.  I worked really hard for it, but that time I was extremely motivated and happy.   But it also meant that I had to lock myself in my room when my Mom cooked humba for dinner.  It also meant looking away when I saw a mouth-watering dessert.  But when I am focused and motivated, I always achieve results.

But I met Lloyed and he said “dili lagi ka mutambok”.  Haha.  And he was wrong.  Hahahahahahahahahaha.   He fed and fed me until I became fat.  And when I became fat, he’d stop feeding me but instead I’d feed and feed myself even if he tells me to stop eating!  The tables have actually turned and I’ve told him often times that my greatest wish is for him to get fat, too.  Haha!

So, the big question:  Can I still do this again?  If I am focused and motivated, I might.  But will I be focused and motivated?  Let’s see.  Haha.  Don’t be confused or side swept by my story though.  Because the point that I’m just trying to drive at is that we need to have more SELF LOVE. :)  

 I mean, I may weigh more than twice now than I used to in these pictures, but I am extremely happy.  From a size M, I can rarely find a dress that fits at XXL but I feel like I’m still as pretty as I was back then.  Haha.  Am I sounding too delusional??  

But that’s me.  And I think that you have to have that much love for yourself, too.  Am I saying I don’t want to be this thin again?  ARE  YOU CRAZY?  If it was given to me as a gift voucher, who I am to refuse. Haha. 

Basically, what I’m trying to say is Happiness is a State of Mind.  So it's always your choice whether to be happy or not.   

So for all you ladies out there – from my chunky, butterball sisters to the lucky “I can eat an iron pot of Paella and never get fat” ones, let’s embrace ourselves for who we are, because we are God’s best-made creations.  Weeeeeee walay mu angal kay ako ning blog!!!!!  Haha.

 

Lastly, WORD OF CAUTION:  “Teh, ayaw jud sige huna huna nga tambok kaayo ka ron.  E-enjoy jud na maski unsa pa na imong lawas, kay tan-awa ko.  Kinsa bay maghandum nga ingun ani d I ko sa una (top) nya ma ingun ani nako ron (bottom)!”  Hahahaha.

Share the self-love everyone! Mwah!