Moving Forward #100 Happy Days

I just read through my blog and realized I've been silent for such a long time.  I reviewed all my drafts but I felt there was no use publishing them now.  It's been exactly two years.  Things have changed, even my writing style has gone through quite an evolution.


Two years, WOW.  I still can't believe it's been that long.  My sister finally graduated and she's getting an Honours Bachelor's Degree from the University of Toronto! I am so proud!!!! (I just had to insert it somewhere here since I just received a text from her! LOL)   I'm sure my sister can relate as to how long these past two years felt like but how ironically fast things went by.

I noticed in fb how people put a #100happydays hashtag and I wanted to do this for myself.  With just a little twist, I'd like to blog about my 100 happy days instead.   I read the rationale in their website and I am just looking forward to start mine.

This will make me remember the things that are very important to me.  Here's a list of things I'd like to do on a daily basis and hopefully I can continue doing this for 100 days minimum:   

1. I want to say a small prayer of gratitude for every single moment of the day.
2. I want to hug my husband first thing in the morning.
3. I want to hug my kids for a minimum of 1 minute each every morning.
4. I want to wake up at 6 AM every morning to cook breakfast for the family.
5. I want to give myself 45 minutes to prepare before going out of the house (so I look like I'm actually going to an office)
6. I should find time for exercise everyday (notice the change in verb LOL)
7. I want to be an inspiration to others every single day, touch people's lives and leave a dose of positivity every time.
8. I should meet with my executive assistant every 8:30 AM in the morning to run through the tasks that need to be done within the day.
9. I should meet one new person everyday and learn from him/her.
10. I should plan for the next day and write my blog between 9:30-10:30 PM.
11. I want to read one new book every two weeks.
12. Since I work every Saturday, I should be back home by 1 PM.
13. More parlor: pedicure, facial, hair treatment.
14. Moisturizer, Eye Cream, Sunblock, Lotion and Perfume
15. I want to make every Sunday a Family Day.

After writing all of these down, I realized why I haven't had the time for almost everything else in the last two years.  I've been putting my effort mostly in the wrong things, sometimes in the wrong people.  To be truly successful in life we have to achieve balance because things have a way of catching up on us.  These two long years have taught me my greatest lessons in life.  So today, I'd like to move forward and make better memories 100 happy days at a time.

Réalisations dans Paris

In my very recent trip I realized three things:

1.)  Even though the best travels are those spent with Lloyed and the kids, I have learned to love traveling on my own. The circumstances in my life pushed me to do so much more than I ever thought I could - marriage, kids, career, business, and these all started when I was 18.  For the last 11 years my biggest challenge was making sure I don't lose myself in the process.

It's easier than most people think.  I am as human as everyone else so at times sticking to who I really am is hard to do when I have to be a number of things all at once.  Traveling alone helped me look at my life in a totally different perspective.
This trip was extremely special because I lived out a long time dream.  Finally, I got to visit Paris. And the most amazing thing about it was I didn't have to pay anything for the trip! (Except for the few things I got to buy for pasalubong and a number of items for myself hehe). Breathing the Parisian air, embracing Parisian art and bringing the paper bags of the shops I've always wanted (but never thought I'd get the chance to) were extremely exhilarating. (I just had to throw in that part about the shopping).  I am not the type of person that resorts to retail therapy but after this trip I realized why most women do!

I also got the chance to write a blog which I think I really have to do often.  I can barely keep up with the emails I need to read, reply and make in one day let alone write a blog. But I realized that writing down my thoughts help a lot.  When I am alone, time can stand still and I have it all to myself.  When life passes by like a blur, time becomes a coveted luxury.

2.) I extremely miss my kids.  Even when I appreciate all this "me" time, I can't help it.  It is in the lone times that I realize how fast my children have grown.  

Jimjim is now 9 years old.  He started playing basketball this week and a few years from now there will be a number of groupies cheering him on his games.  That fact scares me. Before I left for Paris he told me there were many professional pickpockets there so I had to be careful.  Very clever and cute.

Part of me wishes that I can study with him every night.  Part of me wishes that I can cook more for him now that his appetite has plummeted to an all time high.  In fact, I have a lot more on that list.

Coby is now 4 years old.  He's adorable! He tries to express himself in the best way he could.  It could be tough when you have a brother 5 years older than you and a sister who gets everybody's attention.  So even though it's a challenge I try to dissect the gibberish and figure out what he's trying to say.  He has a mind of his own and wants things done at his own pace exactly the way his mom is.  So I give him his well-deserved spotlight and time.  Being a middle child myself gives me better understanding.  He is such a sweet boy who has always been very generous with his hugs and kisses.

Yet sometimes I blame myself why Coby isn't as eloquent as his brother was.  I remember how well Jimjim would read at 3 years old.  I personally taught him how to blend letters.  By 4, he read like it was a walk in the park.  Coby on the other hand is taking his sweet time.

My daughter Ysabela is a few days shy from turning 18 months.  People say she's like my mini-me but when I look at her I don't see my face at all.  She was the child we never thought we'd have.  She was the baby girl we have been waiting for, the baby girl we've always wanted.  Her cute little dimples pop up when she smiles and she beams with joy whenever she sees me.  Her brothers taught her how to fight for her place.  It's very cute but sometimes very challenging when the three of them fight for one toy or for my attention.

Ysa was the baby I rarely got to hold.  Although I didn't get to see Jimjim from 3 months to almost a year after he was born (I left for Canada).  Ysa lives in the same house but stayed in a different room with her brothers when she was a baby.  This year we transferred her to our room so we can all snuggle up with her dad and brothers.

Sometimes I wish to have played with her as often as I did with her brothers.  I always thought she wouldn't like me so much because I didn't get to carry her often but the little bundle of joy looks up to me with so much love and it makes me wonder that I must have done something right along the way.

This trip made me realize that I should stop blaming myself for the things that I didn't get to do for them.  My kids love me for who I am in the same way I love them for everything they are. 

3.) My most important realization:  I am very blessed and lucky to have a husband like Lloyed.  Almost 11 years of craziness, that's how I could describe our life together.  We dream with our hearts open.  Even with our pockets empty, we made decisions that broke the norm.  We did things for each other and for our kids that other people (even our own families) can question.  We were always fearless because we've been through so much worse and we have faith that God will put us through. 
 

The hardest thing about being an adult is being accountable to everything you do.  Probably the truest test of maturity is living on your own.  Every married couple who has lived with their parents or spouse's parents and transferred to their own homes know how different the responsibility feels.

So having a husband like Lloyed who equally shares these responsibilities with me is something I am very thankful for.  Sometimes he doesn't get the credit and appreciation he deserves.  But he shares his life with me.  What we have is a marriage in it's whole essence. To him there is no "my job" or "your job", everything is ours together.  He doesn't mind doing the groceries, doesn't mind sending the kids to school every single day, doesn't mind taking care of the kids on his own when I am out on my trips, doesn't mind standing in for me at times when I can't be there for the kids. 

Some people say that I have achieved so much but I couldn't have done it without my husband.  He decided to put himself in the sidelights for my sake and that takes a lot of courage for a man.  He decided to support me in everything my heart desires and my mind aspires for.  He put his career on hold so that he didn't have to leave me and the kids for better opportunities abroad (even though they were offered so often).  It meant he had to bear the misery of a non-motivating, non-progressing job for five long years so that we can be together.  And he did everything he can so I can be happy.  It meant understanding the late nights, the erratic schedule, the limitless waiting.  It meant being my shock absorber and patiently understanding the craziness of my emotional breakdowns. It meant setting aside what he wanted so I can achieve my dreams.

As I said, what Lloyed does for me and the kids take a lot of courage.  A lot of love.  Our relationship has been one that threw away the word "should".  To him, it's simple.  We do things because we want to not because we should.  All the time, he reminds me to be happy with who I am because he loves me no matter what (fats and all).

So on this blog I just want to shout to the world how blessed I am to have a husband like you mylabs!  I love you with all my heart and I know one day God will also grant your heart's deepest desires.  You have finally found your passion and I promise to be there for you and with you every single way.

Life is a big web of choices.  Everyday we get to decide what to do first, who to prioritize first.  In 2011, when I accepted the management position there was no turning back.  There were so many things I had to go through to reach to where I am now.  There were so many things I needed to give up, so many things I needed to change about myself so I can lead other people.  I've had my own share of failures, my own share of mistakes and probably I'll make a lot more in the future.  But I learned that no matter how hard it is we have to move on and learn from every single mistake without any bitterness.

This trip made me realize that it should never be a choice between my job and my family.  Because at the end of the day, whether I acknowledge it or not I am a better wife and mother because of my job and I am a better manager because I am a wife and mother.

The lives we live are so unique we can never compare apples to oranges.  The sad fact is a lot of people compare themselves to others.  It seems that the feeling of being better than others can give a high that feeds off like a drug to the ego.  This trip and the people with me made me remember that at the end of the day, we just have to know who we are so we can be consistent with who we want to be.

As per the wise words of a certain guy who's eyes shine like headlights on a dark night, he said: "Jill, you just have to reinvent yourself.  Reinventing means you have to make a better version of yourself but you don't lose who you really are.  When you are an Iced Tea you can turn into a kiwi-flavored blended Iced Tea but you can never be a Coke.  Don't try to be one. Stick to your strengths and learn to accept and change your weaknesses.  Don't change who you are, just be a better you."

That advice, I will wholeheartedly take.

More from the Kaban.

Seeing things from the past could be both good and bad.  Haha.  When you get to see my pictures below, you’d understand my sentiments.  But before that, let me tell you a story about how it was like growing up…  

I’ve always been a chunky little girl.  Not so chubby at first but having been exposed to levels of bullying at a young age, I have also become an emotional eater.  I’ve always been bigger than the usual girls my age.  In fact, I was already as tall as 5’4 in 5^th grade and people would call me baboy, higante and my favorite, elepante behind my back.  But since I was one of the smartest in class, people rarely tell those harsh things to me straight to my face.  Haha!  Now I can actually laugh about it, but back then it really hurt.

It hurt when all the small girls were getting so much attention and all the boys were also pretty small, too.  I remember my dad (who was based in HK for a long time) used to write me letters and tell me that I should find a way to be thinner.  Every single letter he sent me always said “Eat the right food, Eat healthy, Pa reduce jud ka dai”.

So I actually grew up with the littlest self-appreciation and the lowest of all self-esteem.   My concept of beauty has always been equated to Magazine-looking girls (who knew all of them were Photoshopped?!? Haha)  I just told myself that for as long as I was smart, nobody can push me around.  But in highschool, I was wrong.

You’d wonder how someone as big as myself (that time probably standing at 5’7-5’8) could be pushed around.  Yet I’ve lived the last few years of highschool miserable and pathetic.  Maybe because I had so little self-belief that I allowed other people to make me feel whatever they wanted me to feel.  I let other people step on me and I never fought back.   I never fought back because I never had even the smallest amount of courage to.

 

But over the years, I have allowed myself to embrace who I was.  I have learned to laugh at my mistakes, to accept that it is not what society dictates but it’s about what and who I am that matters.  What we think of ourselves matter most and not what others think of us. I guessed it helped that I studied in UP, too.  But eventually, I learned to appreciate and love myself even more – faults, imperfections and all.

And eventually, I started looking like this.  Haha.  Somehow, for no reason at all, I became thinner.  And you believe me?  Joke.  Haha, of course not!  Of course I didn’t lose weight for no reason at all.  I worked really hard for it, but that time I was extremely motivated and happy.   But it also meant that I had to lock myself in my room when my Mom cooked humba for dinner.  It also meant looking away when I saw a mouth-watering dessert.  But when I am focused and motivated, I always achieve results.

But I met Lloyed and he said “dili lagi ka mutambok”.  Haha.  And he was wrong.  Hahahahahahahahahaha.   He fed and fed me until I became fat.  And when I became fat, he’d stop feeding me but instead I’d feed and feed myself even if he tells me to stop eating!  The tables have actually turned and I’ve told him often times that my greatest wish is for him to get fat, too.  Haha!

So, the big question:  Can I still do this again?  If I am focused and motivated, I might.  But will I be focused and motivated?  Let’s see.  Haha.  Don’t be confused or side swept by my story though.  Because the point that I’m just trying to drive at is that we need to have more SELF LOVE. :)  

 I mean, I may weigh more than twice now than I used to in these pictures, but I am extremely happy.  From a size M, I can rarely find a dress that fits at XXL but I feel like I’m still as pretty as I was back then.  Haha.  Am I sounding too delusional??  

But that’s me.  And I think that you have to have that much love for yourself, too.  Am I saying I don’t want to be this thin again?  ARE  YOU CRAZY?  If it was given to me as a gift voucher, who I am to refuse. Haha. 

Basically, what I’m trying to say is Happiness is a State of Mind.  So it's always your choice whether to be happy or not.   

So for all you ladies out there – from my chunky, butterball sisters to the lucky “I can eat an iron pot of Paella and never get fat” ones, let’s embrace ourselves for who we are, because we are God’s best-made creations.  Weeeeeee walay mu angal kay ako ning blog!!!!!  Haha.

 

Lastly, WORD OF CAUTION:  “Teh, ayaw jud sige huna huna nga tambok kaayo ka ron.  E-enjoy jud na maski unsa pa na imong lawas, kay tan-awa ko.  Kinsa bay maghandum nga ingun ani d I ko sa una (top) nya ma ingun ani nako ron (bottom)!”  Hahahaha.

Share the self-love everyone! Mwah!

When It's not your day, It's not your day.

I think the worst part about being pregnant is keeping my emotions at bay.  I’ve always been the type who’d suddenly cry at the movies, at reading blog posts, at seeing marriage proposals, at anything.  Imagine I was like this before I became pregnant, so how much more now? 

Anyway, I was planning to blog about something else today but my OK day turned out to be one of the worst in my life.  Well thanks to Globe that is.  Haha (I’m laughing in my mind but I wish I can laugh about it in real life, too)  So there I was trying to have my iPad 3G reconnected (I already paid the amount due) when I was surprised when the guy told me how much my incoming bill would be.  And it was a WHOPPING amount and by WHOPPING I mean WHOPPING!

All of a sudden I felt a rush of blood shoot through my blood vessels and I felt like I could die any minute.  It’s not a hyperbole really, it’s exactly how I felt.  I tried to argue with the guy but he told me to talk to customer service.  As if destiny was playing a practical joke on me, this guy who told me was my hatest guy in Globe.  I have hated him since the beginning of time (haha).  I've hated his guts from the very first time he gave me customer disservice.  So I got my number and went on the queue.  But every minute, I felt like I was collapsing and much worse, I felt like nobody was there to tell me it was OK.

Honestly, it is NOT OK.  But I felt like somebody had to at least lie to me and tell me it was because each second I felt sicker and sicker.  After a few minutes passed, I realized there was no use arguing about roaming and I decided to go home.  Please don’t ask me how much whopping is, or ask me a more detailed story because this is the most detailed I can get or else I’ll ball over in tears.  Again.

When I went home, I wasn’t really sure if I can put up a face to my kids so I told myself I’ll just pretend I’m sleepy and wallow in self-despair.  Then, my eldest son JimJim broke a house rule (that I’ve been telling and reminding him about for almost 5-6 times) and suddenly I just couldn’t take it anymore and vented out on him.  I was so awfully angered that it was so hard to control myself.  I thank God for the self-restraint but to be honest I was scared of losing it because it was terribly hard.

So I gave him a final warning, told him to sleep and went to the washroom slash mini walk-in closet to change clothes (since this happened just as soon as I arrived home).  While I was changing, I just sat on the toilet seat.  And for a moment there I didn’t do anything. When all of a sudden I broke down and cried.  I cried and cried and cried. Why?  I didn’t understand either.  

I felt like a complete mess of a person, of a wife but most of all of a mother.  I felt guilty because my son had nothing to do with what I felt.  However, I realized he did a grave offense and although I didn’t really do anything to him it just felt weird knowing that I was already mad before I became madder (let's use this non-existent word for impact LOL).  Do you get what I mean?  If only I wasn’t already so frustrated, I know I would still have reprimanded him but maybe in a little less angrier way.

Hay. But now that I’ve written about it, I actually feel a lot better.  Maybe that’s the reason why people blog noh? Hehe.  I dunno, I hope it doesn’t sound so pathetic.  Haha.  But maybe it’s when we organize our thoughts and get to read what we feel that we develop a better understanding of ourselves.  

I wish I could say something funny or enlightening to end this post.  But let me part by saying this (not just to you but most especially to myself):

We are just human beings and we commit mistakes, that part we have to accept.  But if there’s something that must be learned, it’s that if you’re in the heat of your anger it’s always better to walk away than end up regretting some things you can never take back.

AND…

Photo Credit: http://damnyouglobetelecom.tumblr.com/post/4649268812/why-i-hate-globe

I hate Globe.  I really hate you today Globe. 

18 Again...

My pinaghirapan 100+ page softbounded scrapbook!

Last night, Lloyed and I decided to start documenting our lives.  This was after we found my very first anniversary gift to him years and years ago.  During our first year as a couple, I made a scrapbook about our love story starting from the first day we met and how everything unfolded.  I thought of doing this that time so I will never be able to forget how it felt like.  Then we forgot all about it through the years.  I mean, how can we not when being a parent is a tall order especially when you have not just one, but two kids (and now I’m on my 13^th week for the third one).

So while we were trying to declutter the household, we found the book.  And it certainly reminded me of how it felt like.  It reminded me of how I was head over heels in love with him and how he made me feel extremely special.   Just like a message from above, it hit us hard and reminded us (especially me) to value the things or in this case person that value most – my spouse.

Rummaging thru the past also makes you see how thin you were!

When we become parents, we embrace our being one.   See, both Lloyed and I try to be as hands on in each of our children’s lives.  We make a lot of time for the kids although it’s actually really hard when you try to make a living, too.   

It’s hard to make time when you spend so much time trying to make money to afford the lifestyle you want to give them.  But despite all the odds, we try our best to talk and play with the kids so we get to know them as individuals, learn to accept their differences and love them just the way they are.

It’s tough because we’re far from being perfect.  You only understand when you become a parent.  You get to build a greater appreciation for your Mom and Dad once you become one yourself.  It’s because you realize OMG it’s just tough and most of the time crazy.  So somewhere along the way, you indulge yourself with all these new responsibilities that you also forget that before you became a parent you were also someone else.  

You were an individual, a companion, a confidante, but most of all a lover and a friend.  You were someone your partner wanted to spend every minute with.  Remember those days when you didn’t notice how time went by so fast and the day's almost over because you’re together? You were someone who was fun, carefree, endearing. 

Can I still do something like this for this year??!?!

Don’t get me wrong when I say these things.  You might think I haven’t been happy these past years ‘coz I was and still am.  But I realized, I am happier now because I’ve learned to see my spouse again through the eyes of a girlfriend and not through the eyes of a wife.  (haha!)   

I mean he’s the most amazing husband to me and the greatest father to our kids.  He’s supportive, always willing to listen, always lends a hand when I’m in need, unconventionally helps out with the household, extends so much of himself for the love of his wife and kids. 

But now, I see him not just as that.  In my girlfriend eyes (haha!), I see that this guy whom I fell in love with almost 9 years ago, is still tremendously handsome as I saw him years back.  This guy who used to brave the scary tricycle rides to our house on top of a mountain just to bring me safely home, is still that same guy who would crack up the corniest but funniest jokes I’ve ever heard. 

   

And somehow, for some odd reason, I feel like I’m 18 again.  

Thank you for coming into my life.  
I love you honey.  Happy 105^th Monthsary!!